In my last entry, I discussed the clarity I had attained around how my life model just wasn’t working for me, and in that realization I came to understand that nothing outside of myself was going to fix things.  I was going to have to go even further within my sense of self and craft a new way of living.  My thoughts must change, my behaviors must be different, and in order to make this happen I have to have a fundamentally different energy.

Up until this point in my life, I thought about energy as something that we give and receive, and I still do think that, but without making a conscious decision, I was more focused on the energy outside of myself and less focused on the energy inside myself.  I kept consuming various sources of energy (food, media, relationships) and letting the frequency of those sources carry me through the day.  It was sort of like trying to be a curator, putting together an awesome collection of works for a gallery.  If I could just get the right pieces together…


I have left that behind, now.  For the past four or five weeks, I have been focused only on what I can do to generate the energy that I want to have.  That’s the difference between being a creator and a consumer.

I started with meditation.  The research is clear at this point that there are numerous benefits to meditating, but I kept avoiding it because it wasn’t something I could just consume. I actually had to sit my ass down and do it.  Now I do.  Many people who promote meditation start their day with it, but I have found that for me it’s a great help when I end my day by meditating.  I do twenty minutes of meditation right before I go to bed, and I fall asleep faster and sleep better because of it.  And since there are important links between one’s quality of sleep and weight loss or weight gain, meditating is not only a mental practice, but a practical element of my weight loss efforts.

I stopped playing video games.  I love video games.  Modern video games are incredible entertainment.  They are also a HUGE time suck.  My favorite video game of all time is “Skyrim.” I logged over a thousand hours on that game.  Let that sink in.  That’s just one game, and I spent more hours on that game than I spent on classroom and study hours for my Master’s degree.  What could you do with a thousand hours?  If I took all the hours I’ve spent playing video games and used them on one other endeavor, I could be an accomplished piano player, or furniture maker, or be the best hypnotist in the world.  It’s classic opportunity cost (remember high school enconomics?).

I read more.  As an English major in college, I spent a lot of time reading what my professors assigned me, and it sort of burned me out on reading.  It’s a tragic irony, because the whole reason I declared as an English major was because I loved reading so much!  In fact, I didn’t read a single work of fiction for the first four years after I graduated from college.  It was the Harry Potter books that helped me find joy in reading again, but twenty-five years after college I still don’t read fiction like I did before I went to college.  The main point is that I know that I’m happier when I read for the joy of it, and so I consume less Netflix and more books.  I believe there is a difference in how we consume books.  When I read, I create the story in my mind. I see the scenes, hear the voices, so it’s not strictly consumption, but rather a creative process.  Reading more has been a good thing for my personal energy.

I use sound to tune myself.  Each of us is consciousness in a physical form.  We are energy in the form of matter, vibrating at various frequencies.  Sound vibrations have a variety of effects on human beings, the effect depending mostly on the frequency of the sound.  Low frequency sound, sometimes called infrasound, can create nausea, dizziness, and headache.  Some researchers are suggesting that high frequency sounds, sounds that we can’t even consciously perceive, could also have negative health effects on people.

Throughout my day, I use music to help me maintain the energetic state that I desire.  When I’m working at my desk, I play new age music and symphony music.  It helps me stay centered and peaceful.  When I feel my energy getting low, I put on pop music that gets me more emotionally fired up.  My heart rate goes up, I breathe faster, and I sing along.  When I go to bed at night, I play solfeggio frequencies (disclaimer: I do not play them because I believe the claims about what solfeggio frequencies can do, but simply because I like the way they sound).

My only concern, for the past month or so, has been to give my attention to how I want to feel inside, and how I can make choices that shape that inner state to one that is peaceful, loving, and connected.  I’ll focus on connection more in my next entry.

After my New Year’s confession, I took some time away from blogging and interviewing and the mechanics of the project, and I got focused on myself.  I realized that when I first started “The Fat Hypnotist” project my heart was in the right place, but my implementation was all wrong.

I initially approached the project as a way to find a solution to a problem.  Sensible, right?  But in doing this, I focused too much on the problem, and my efforts were driven by an intellectual, analytical approach.  That would be great if obesity was an intellectual problem, a simple matter of learning about calories and nutrition and exercise options, but obesity, for most people, is an emotional problem, and I wasn’t diving deeper into my emotions.  Using my brain wasn’t getting me where I wanted to be; it was time to connect, through my heart, to this life challenge.

I spent a lot of hours reflecting on my life, and thinking about all the different factors that could have contributed to my difficulties with food and weight.  More importantly, I spent a lot of time thinking about the emotional themes that came up over and over again.  What kept coming up weren’t actually emotional themes, but behavioral themes.

The first theme is that of comfort.  I consume a lot of things in order to comfort myself.  Food and drink are the primary things that provide comfort for me.  But the reality is that they don’t really comfort me; they just give me pleasure, and the pleasure never lasts, so I have to keep consuming and consuming in order to keep the pleasure going, but it never lasts.  It’s a terrible model.

The second theme is avoidance.  When I get stressed, or disappointed, or have any kind of mental state that makes me feel unworthy, I find activities to do that allow me to focus my attention on something else entirely.  Netflix, social media, video games, and other such distractions allow me to withdraw from my real world experience and dissociate from myself into another world, another story, another experience.  But those experiences are always transient; they can’t last forever.  And when they do end, not only am I faced with the same unresolved feelings and thoughts that I had before I engaged in the avoidance activity, but I now also have the new negative feelings that I just spent a lot of time being unproductive, not doing things of greater value, like building my business, or keeping my home in good shape, or exercising.

Both themes involve consumption.  In one, I consume physical matter, in the other, I consume mental material.  In both cases, I’m firing off neurotransmitters in my brain that make me feel good temporarily, but that will not last forever and eventually put me right back where I was, feeling lousy again.  This is a pattern that I’ve been in for over twenty years.

It’s just not working.

The consumer-based world we live in is one which consistently sends the message that if we have the right things, we will be happy.  If you have a good job, and a good home, and the right clothes, and a cool mobile phone, and, and, and… then you’ll be happy.  And it just isn’t true.  While there are many things that can bring me pleasure, there is nothing outside of myself that can make me happy.  This means that if I wish to be truly happy and healthy, I must reject the model of living that I have worked within for my entire adult life.  And that is sort of terrifying to think about doing.

Human beings love certainty.  We have a deep desire to know that our lives work in a certain way, and that we can continue to count on them working that way, and having that certainty makes us feel safe.  For all these years, I’ve been prioritizing the certainty that I got from consuming the things I consumed over the other things I wanted to have and experience in my life.  I’ve done it for so long, that the repercussions of my behavior now threaten that very certainty.  I don’t have certain health anymore.  I don’t trust my body like I used to in terms of physical activities.  I’m not able to maintain the energy it takes to be productive at a high level, day after day.  It’s imperative, at this point in my life, that I discard my old life model and develop a new one.

I am not saying that I’m going to give up all of my personal belongings and go live like a monk, and I’m not saying that’s what you have to do, either.  I don’t think it’s an issue of having stuff or not having stuff.  It’s an issue of what belief system you’re actively participating in, whether you realize it consciously or not. 

My new life model must be one in which I am completely devoted to the belief that happiness will only come from within myself.  Happiness is a product of how I think and behave.  So whereas before I was thinking and behaving in relation to my understanding of things outside of me (job, relationships, belongings) I must now focus completely on things inside of me (thoughts and feelings).  So the main shift is moving away from choices to consume things that will make me feel better and instead CREATE thoughts, feelings, and experiences that will bring me joy.

Creator instead of consumer.

I hate failing.

I can’t stand failure.  Well, that’s not entirely true. I can stand it just fine, when it’s other folks who are failing.  I can be encouraging and remind people that failing is part of the learning process, and I genuinely mean it when I say it.  I truly understand and believe that failure is a vital part of how human beings learn and grow.  I recognize the value of failure.

And yet I loathe it when it happens to me.

It’s because, for me, success and failure are about validating that I am who I think I am, that I’m capable of doing whatever I believe I can do, and that in being able to do those things, I must possess qualities that I value, like intelligence, creativity, and good judgment.  When I succeed, I feel worthy, and when I fail, I feel unworthy.

Have you read Carol Dweck’s book “Mindset?” If not, you really should.  Dweck’s research examines the way that our upbringing, specifically the way that we are praised by others, influences how we perceive ourselves as either a fixed mindset or a growth mindset.  People with a fixed mindset have more rigid views of their skills and abilities.  It’s as if they classify their own personal qualities as absolute certainties:

  • I’m smart.
  • I’m athletic.
  • I’m attractive.

Those who live with a growth mindset see their own character traits more as skills or abilities than concrete qualities:

  • I’m a hard worker.
  • I’m a good problem solver.
  • I’m a good learner.

Dweck found that individuals with a fixed mindset were less resilient than those with growth mindsets.  When presented with a situation in which they failed, the fixed mindset people in the study were more likely to give up, while the growth mindset people persisted.

I was raised to be a fixed minded individual.  My parents, teachers, and others in the community were always telling me how smart I was, how articulate I was, and how mature I was for a boy my age.  And while your first reaction in reading this might be to think about how that would give me a big ego, that’s not what a fixed mindset is about.  The specific repeated praises of me being so smart, so well spoken, so mature did give me a level of confident, but more importantly, they gave me identity markers that I thought amounted to who I actually was.

Flash forward to my junior year in high school, when, for the first time ever, I was in a math class that I couldn’t easily understand.  I had always earned A’s and B’s in math classes, and all of a sudden here I was, at a loss to understand the concepts of pre-calculus.  I went to my guidance counselor, ashamed to admit that I was failing at a class.  She told me that I had already met my minimum math requirements in order to graduate, and that I could drop the class if I wanted to.  So of course I did.

At the end of that semester, when I got my first C ever in chemistry class, I returned to the guidance counselor.  No worries, she said.  You can take a different science class and still meet your science requirement.  And so I did.

By avoiding those tougher classes, I was able to meet all my requirements and graduate third in my class.  I was still smart.  Thank goodness.

The pattern, however, was now established.

It was all subconscious, of course.  I never realized the behavior model that had been created, but it had been created, and I lived with it for twenty more years.  I did whatever I felt I was good at, and did those things at a high level, and anything that I couldn’t do at a high level, I simply didn’t do. I abandoned anything that made me feel like I wasn’t smart or successful.

In college, when I declared as a hospitality management major in the business school, I got A’s and B’s, until I had to take Business Statistics.  Another freakin’ math class.  And I failed.  We were allowed to re-take it one time, but had to earn at least a C to stay in the major.  Three weeks into my second attempt, I knew I wasn’t going to cut it, and I dropped the class and switched to Liberal Arts.  I got a B.A. in English-Teaching, and graduated with a 3.5 GPA.  Still smart!

I entered graduate school to get a Master’s in Secondary Education, and it was great.  I was talking with people who were passionate about teaching, who wanted to change the world one young mind at a time.  In that program, we had to teach full-time, unpaid, as interns.  It was hard, but I had a good mentor, and I was loving it.  At the end of that year, my advisor required us to write a thesis about some aspect of education from our internship experience.  A paper? No problem!  I’d written so many by that point.  What was one more?

But it was a problem.  I don’t know why, but I had major writer’s block for this paper, which had never been a problem for me before.  It was the day of the deadline, and I still hadn’t finished it.  I was sitting in the kitchen of my apartment, at a loss for what to do, trying to cobble together the thoughts that I knew I should have after a full year of teaching, but they just didn’t come.  The paper was about 75% there, but it was definitely unfinished.  And I lost my mind.

I’m not exaggerating.  I had a breakdown.  I wrote this stream of consciousness that came to me in the moment of hysteria, and I printed it out at 11:30 at night, and I drove it to my advisor’s house, babbling out loud to myself in the car like a madman the whole way, and left it on his front doorstep at midnight.  Then I drove home in silence.  I had never felt more ashamed of myself.

My advisor called the next day.  “Paul, this paper… it’s not really what I would expect from you.  Are you okay?”

I told him about the stress, and what had happened to me the night before.  I told him that I didn’t know what else to do.  He was so kind to me.  He offered me an incomplete, which meant that I could re-write the paper and submit it later, or he said that I could take a B on the internship, which I know sounds fine, but in grad school getting a B is like getting a D.  Technically, you have passed, but it’s not good.

“Please just give me the B” I answered. “I just don’t think I can handle anything else right now.”

At this point, you might be wondering what any of this has to do with losing weight.  The answer is: everything.

Imagine what it’s like to be a hypnotist who, up until now, has been unable to use hypnosis to lose weight.  Just like I was the English major who wrote so many papers, yet had this one time where I couldn’t finish a paper, now I’m the hypnotist who has been practicing for over fifteen years, who has hypnotized over 20,000 people, and yet I can’t seem to do it for this important personal reason.  The only upside so far is that I haven’t ended up babbling in my car like a madman.

When you operate from a fixed mindset, failure makes you question your very identity.  Am I smart?  Am I successful?  Am I a good hypnotist?  Because if I am, then I should be able to do this, right?  Yet here I am, obese for all fifteen-plus years of my hypnotism career.

Here’s the wonderful thing that I learned from Carol Dweck’s book: mindset is adaptable.  If you’re a fixed mindset person, you can switch to being a growth mindset person.  You can practice thinking differently, and you can shift your behaviors.  You’re not stuck, if you don’t want to be.

Which is why I’m still here, working on this project.  Because while I do believe that I’m smart, I now care more about being gritty, about being a person who perseveres.  And while I do believe that I’m successful in many regards, I care more now about being successful on my own terms than being successful in the eyes of others.  While I’m not in school anymore, I’m still on Earth school, and that’s for my whole life, and there’s still lots to learn and lots to do, and why shouldn’t it be fun and fascinating and serve others along the way?

I know this was a crazy long post, and if you’ve read it all, I’m grateful.  I hope it brings something useful into your awareness.  I hope that, if you’re struggling with something, you can see that you’re not alone.  Whatever failures you’ve had, you’re still going, and you can get where you want to be.  If I can help, I will.

It’s the last day of 2019.  The end of a decade.

I haven’t posted anything here since September.  That alone gives you a hint about how things have been going.

It’s been, to be honest, an abysmal failure.

This morning I weighed in at 308.7 pounds, so after seven months I’m .3 pounds lighter than when I started.  I look like shit. I feel like shit.  I’m so deeply disappointed.  But wait, there’s more.

My partner left in August.  I did not see it coming.  I was aware of some struggles in our relationship, but thought it was just the kind of stuff couples have, stuff you keep working on.  She saw it differently.  Now, for the second time in my life, I am working through the end of what I thought would be a lifelong relationship.

I tried, two different times this year, to write a book, and failed both times.  Did I mention that I was an English major in college?


There were some bright spots this year.  I did manage to go to Paris in 2019, which was a wonderful trip and something I’ll always be grateful for experiencing.  I also had the honor of performing at the National Guild of Hypnotists’ convention, which was a lot of fun, and well received by my peers.  I met a brother, in person, for the first time, who I didn’t even know existed until a couple of years ago.  I had a television appearance!

All in all, however, this year was really tough.  There was just too much time spent not doing what I know I can do.  Too much time not being the best version of myself.  There’s so much time in a year!  To have so much time, and now to have spent it all, and to feel like it didn’t produce anything of quality that’s representative of the time itself… it feels almost sinful, like I didn’t honor the gift of that time.  I understand that time is precious.  I know what a gift I have in this life.

Part of me wants to delete this whole post.  It’s such an unspoken taboo, in the profession I’m in, to admit that you’re struggling.  Hypnotists help people by coaching them and giving them strategies for success.  We’ve got the mantras and the models.  We’re supposed to have all the answers.  And yet I’m not the only fat hypnotist.

And there are hypnotists who smoke.

And hypnotists that drink too much.

And hypnotists that cheat on their spouses.

And, and, and…

Because hypnotists are human beings, and human beings struggle.  That’s okay.

Here’s the best news about 2019: it’s over.  We do love that feeling of having a clean slate, don’t we?  My clean slate has arrived, and I’m so very grateful, and I’m going to double down on ME in 2020.  How about you?  Is it time for you to do more, and have more, and live life at a level that’s better than ever?

Another week of weight gain, and while I didn’t always make good food choices while traveling, I still think this gain is more about stress and travel bloating than actual food intake weight gain.  The good news is that my busy annual tour is now officially complete, and I’ll be home more often, and can settle back into a routine.  The first thing that needs to happen is I need to drink more water. I’ve been absolutely horrible about my water intake.

I think it’s time to start exploring some new food recipes.  With all the traveling I’ve been doing, I haven’t been cooking at all, and I love to cook.  Normally, with fall approaching, I’d be cooking more comfort food, but I want to break out of that habit and cook some healthier stuff that is still comforting.

What’s your favorite source of healthy AND delicious recipes?

I spent the last week traveling around the country, performing stage hypnosis shows for colleges.  Lots of flying, airports and hotels, and driving rental cars to the performance venues.  It’s not helpful in terms of supporting good eating habits.  You tend to look for food that’s convenient instead of food that’s healthy, and the hectic pace is a bit stressful, which triggers more urges for crappy food.

Luckily, I’ve been doing this annual tour for fifteen years, so I’ve gotten better and better at managing those factors, and the results show at this week’s weigh-in.  I still can do an even better job.  I definitely had some times where I grabbed a cookie or had a drink with sugar in it.

It’s particularly important that I get to that next level of clean eating, as I’m now off the second steroid taper, and my itching has come back a little bit.  It’s nowhere near as bad as it was, and I want to keep it that way.  In fact, I want it gone.  In order to achieve that, I must manage my stress even better, push more water, and reduce the sugar and carb intake.

What are your favorite healthy, natural foods?

The week after the hypnotists’ convention, I began my annual “Back to School Tour” where I travel around the country performing stage hypnotism for colleges as they begin their new school year.  This is always a fun time of year for me, as I get to travel around, meet a lot of nice people, and be in the role of entertainer.  While it’s a really busy time, it’s not something that I think of as stressful.  There’s a definite feeling of relief as I’m at the point in the year where I really just focus on this one thing, and so my stress has definitely reduced.  I’m still on the steroid taper, and I feel pretty good.  Sometimes the steroids affect my sleep, so there’s a little bit of a negative factor there, but overall I seem to be doing pretty well, and it was reflected on the scale.  I’m under 300 pounds!

Obviously, there’s still a lot of work to be done, but there’s something about not seeing that “3” at the beginning of the scale read-out that has really lifted my spirits.  I realized, as I was reflecting on it, that it has been nearly three months since I started this project, and while I have lost weight much slower than I hoped, I have also gone nearly three months without ever gaining more than a half pound in a week, and that’s a pretty significant change in my old pattern.  For years, the pattern was to keep going slowly and steadily upward, and now I’m going slowly and steadily downward, and that’s a great feeling.  And again, to have done it without dieting, without aggressive workout plans–just by shifting my thoughts and awareness a bit–is pretty cool.

But there’s still a lot of weight to lose.

So now I find myself debating internally; do I keep going the way I’m going, or do I make a shift that somehow accelerates things, so that I don’t get too comfortable with the way things are?  One of the things I’ve learned about myself is that when I get comfortable, it never leads to anything good.  Shaking things up gets me to create new things, achieve new things, and keep growing.

I mean, at my current rate of progress, it’s going to take me three years to lose the weight I want to lose.  Not cool.  Clearly I have to adapt to some new strategies and practices, and create better results.

The day before my hypnotists convention, the itching was so bad that I wanted to scratch the skin right off my body.  I went to an urgent care, and they put me back on steroids, but a slightly higher dose this time.  Within a day of being on the steroids the itching was practically gone, which was such a relief.

In speaking with the doctor, the possibility of an allergy was discussed, but it seems more likely that I’m having a giant stress reaction, and my body got crazy inflamed from all the stress.  While I did definitely have a poison ivy reaction on my hands, that was the only place where it looked that way.  The rest of me was quite different.  The doctor suggested that I might be having a bout of urticaria.

I only share this because it links to an important issue relative to weight, which is stress.  If my stress is so bad that my skin is breaking out in some kind of crazy reaction, what other ways is my body being affected by that stress?  Surely there are cortisol spikes, increased urges for carbs and sugars, and eating challenges that come from being in that stressed out state.  Not helpful for losing weight.

This brings me to yet another disappointing moment as a hypnotist: why am I not using hypnosis more effectively to manage my stress?!  I know that hypnosis is an excellent tool for stress management, and yet I am not practicing this particular action on a daily basis (most weeks, not even on a weekly basis).  This theme of knowing something, but not practicing it is one of the core issues that I really must face.  My challenges are largely due to avoidance.  I keep avoiding the issue of my weight, and my stress, and then wondering why I’m not at optimal wellness.  Quite frankly, it’s stupid.

So, at the time of this post, just returned home from convention, I’m now on a daily routine of stress management that includes listening to audio programs at bedtime, as a way to get grounded and clear before I go to sleep, and then a morning hypnosis routine so that I start my day with a more clear intention and positive energy.

No change in weight since last weigh-in.  It’s now been five weeks since I officially started this project, and I’ve lost 4.5 pounds, so a little less than a pound per week of weight loss, if you average it out.  While the results are disappointing, keep in mind that I really have not followed any specific program or approach so far; I’ve just made some small adjustments to my lifestyle.  I’ve created opportunities to be a little more active, I’ve increased my water intake some, and I eat only when I’m hungry.  These have been easy changes to make, really, and I could keep going this way, but that would mean that at the current rate of weight loss it would take me two years to lose the weight, and I’d rather not take that long.

So, today I’m starting Phase Two of the project.  I’m going to start actually using what I know about hypnosis and develop daily self-hypnosis practices.  Specifically, I’m going to target two issues:

  1. Sugar consumption.
    I’m still consuming quite a bit of sugar in the foods I eat.  Sugary drinks, cookies, the occasional ice cream cone.  I’m still consuming foods that are more about getting pleasure from food than getting nutrition from food, so it’s time to start re-wiring that impulse at the subconscious level.
  2. Portion size.
    It’s been really cool making the shift away from old eating patterns based on time of day and cultural expectations, to eating only when I’m actually hungry.  The new challenge that comes from this change is that a fair amount of the time, I’m getting to a point in hunger where I’m then eating more than I need when I actually eat.  I’m often eating to the point of being full, rather than eating to a point of being satiated.  I should be able to work on this with self-hypnosis, increasing my awareness of how my body feels as I eat and putting the brakes on sooner.

I’ve been interviewing experts in hypnosis and other areas for five weeks now, and those interviews are going to start airing soon, so I’ll be able to connect what I’ve been learning from these amazing people to the work I’m doing for myself.

Well, the first week didn’t go quite as planned.  I did GREAT for the first five days of the week, with regard to my main objectives from the earlier post I wrote.  I got up most mornings and went outside and split firewood so that I was getting some activity right away, and that was awesome.  I felt more alert and energized each morning.

I also did a good job of managing my desk time and giving myself breaks when working on things so that I didn’t get stressed.  I finished my days with some time to unwind, and I felt good all during the work week.

It was the weekend that got me.

Actually, it was working on the weekend that got me.  I had three stage hypnosis shows in a 24 hour period: 3am, 10pm, and 3am.  Having two nights in a row where I was up all night and then getting home at 6:30 in the morning threw me off, and I made bad food choices.  Even though I didn’t feel stressed, it was if my body was in some kind of stress mode, being up all night like that, and I kept eating as a way to keep myself awake.  Then, when I finished that crazy period, I was exhausted and I spent the next two days recovering, which was entirely comprised of me chilling out on the couch.  No activity, and bad food choices continued.

I wouldn’t be surprised if I lost three or four pounds on the front five days of last week, and then put half or more of it back on during Friday and Saturday.  Luckily, there are no more all-nighter’s on the calendar, so I can get back on track and stay on track this week.

So, for this week, here are my three points of focus:

  1. Increase activity level another notch.
    The morning exercise was good last week.  Low-impact and easy to stick with.  I’m going to continue that habit this week, and add a walk in the afternoon.
  2. Drink more water.
    Last week I didn’t even track my water consumption.  I think it’s something I should start paying attention to.
  3. Start practicing self-hypnosis.
    Maybe if I had been using self-hypnosis last week, I would not have been so easily triggered to eat shitty food on the work nights.  I have an interview coming up with a leading expert in self-hypnosis this week, so implementing some of what I learn from him should be helpful.